This is music to die for. Now, it’s true, nobody is perfect. But gangsta rappers have, up until now, always been the prouder, more amiable ones. Thanks to Snoop Dogg, I’m sure all gangsta rappers are now ensconced in an unreachable bunker of masculinity and living in fear of accident. Draymond Green simply could not understand why a friend had gone to live in Boise (which, come to think of it, is the name of my garden). He’d just been called into the front office, and was told: “Snoop Dogg, he’s so happy to be in Boise.” He folded in mid-giggle, muttered about how it was ridiculous to come up with such notions, called to Snoop, and ushered him away.
Snoop Dogg is said to have seen the future and decided to relocate to Boise. It has since been corroborated in media accounts. It turns out that for many years the hype machine has been pushing upon dogg not only as an artist, but as a conservative, loving father figure, with a gold wedding ring. He has instructed his new family to dress in accordance with the rites of procreation: respect the earth, animals, animals living up to their genetics. This he teaches them in a playground, after breakfast at about seven a.m. But then Snoop starts yelling “doggy style” in a whisper, and it all becomes an uncomfortable mix of rap, Braveheart and Brave New World. I missed it. I looked it up online. Drummer: “Early adopters vote early.”
Now when I share this with friends they react with total disagreement. I was born in 1976, after all. Were Snoop’s yard dogs not die-hards of the fire? “How did you find out?” they’ll say. “Dogs bitch and moan and lick at the coals and shit!” Then they’ll quote Coldplay and try to convince me that, now that bear is firmly established in suburban, fast-food-dominated America, the dangers of sausages are truly a thing of the past. But Snoop’s husband apparently likens them to little old ladies at tea parties, gently chiding the tablemates with a very low growl. I’ll grant that our pet doggy loves his eight-year-old Persian cat, Peaches, but I’ve never known anything about purr-its like that. The basic truth is this: Snoop Dogg is a much scarier person to live with than, say, Dirty Harry.
• This article was amended on 8 January 2018. The original referred to a drug as “crackpot weed”. This has been corrected.